I woke up the other day and wasn’t feeling too good . I thought maybe it was that Nathans hot dog I ate before going to sleep the night before. I went for the plop plop fizz fizz real quick. The pain subsided after a while and I went to my computer to work on my scoop at nowpublic.com. I was working on the Peru Earthquake story. It’s was the biggest story I had posted since becoming a member. I had over 4,000 hits and wanted to check the updates. Everyone was sending their own updates and I was thinking “what great teamwork, we were getting the facts faster than Drudge.”

All of a sudden the pain started getting worse, I’m feeling lightheaded and thought ” maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that doughnut after the alka seltzer.” Now I’m feeling a real sharp pain I never felt before. I start thinking “maybe I need to go to the Emergency Room.” I get dressed and head out to the Hospital. while driving I wonder if it was that fillet Mignon I ate last night.

Finally I get to the Hospital and think “great they’ll give me a shot and I’ll be straight.” As I open the door I see a line of people. I figure, must be a bad Flu in the air, and I regret not bringing the surgical anti terrorist mask I have at home.

The pain has eased a bit and I notice people standing behind me with what looks like deli tickets in their hands, a loud speaker thunders”number 22?” I see a man that can barely move jump up and say “that’s me.” I ask the guy behind me “what’s up with the numbered tickets.” He says, ” you can get one right there.” He points to a red deli ticket dispenser, I walk over and grab number 66. As I try to get back in line, I notice everyone had quickly moved up. I look for the guy that was in front of me, he just looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. I was in too much pain so I just went to the end of the line.

After what seems hours the speakers screech “66? I think finally. I get to the counter, this woman in a business suit says “what’s your name?” I see something strange, she has this gloomy looking face, I guessed she probably had a stressful job. She says coldly “your name doesn’t show up in our files.” I say “I’ve never come to this hospital.” She says “then I will give you your patient number, were is your ticket.” I hand her my ticket and she asks what month I was born , and I answer “June” she looks sternly at me and says “fill this out.” I fill out the questionnaire and hand it back to her. She asks me to stand on a line drawn on the floor, she tells me to look forward and takes my picture. The last time that happened to me….. well I would rather skip the details. She hands me a cup and sends me to the bathroom for a sample. My pain is still sharp and I figure just chill, the doctor will see me soon.

When I return the cup she quickly grabs it and hands me what looks like a drivers license. I look at probably the worst picture I had ever seen of myself and on top a big six digit patient number “666-247.” I panic when I notice the first three numbers and say “miss this number makes me nervous can I get a different one.” She looks at me coldly and says “not if you want to see a Doctor.” I just grabbed the card and sat down. The pain is again getting worse and after what seems hours the door opens and I see the ugliest nurse that I have ever seen. she screams “666-247? as I get up everyone looks at me, some giggling and some with disgust.

I follow Nurse Rachette thru some large doors into a place that looks like a police interrogation room, not that I’ve ever been in one of course. I look to the side and there is a large wall size mirror, the pain is getting worse. I get the feeling people are watching me from behind the mirror. I ask “when can I see a Doctor?” and she says “after a few questions.” I think “be cool get this over with.” She says ” your tests have come back and I want to know, have you been eating doughnuts and red meat?” I look at her and say “yeah how did you know that?” She says” we know a lot about you 666.” I say “please can you address me by my real name “gmony714? She opens a folder and says “we are worried about your transfat content and there seems to be a small amount of an illegal herb we have yet to identify.” I say “how many illegal herbs are there?” She does not laugh.

After leaving the interrogation room, I am taken to what looks like my nephew’s first grade classroom. A woman enters that looks anorexic, she’s so skinny that when she stands sideways I can’t see her. She says” Mr. 666?” I stop her and say “is there any way that I could just see a doctor?” She says” There are very sick people ahead of you, the doctor will see you as soon as he can, but before that I would like you to read these 32 pamphlets I have separated for you and after you do I’m sure the doctor will see you.” At this point I would speed read Webster’s Dictionary if it would hurry the process.

I figure let me get this over with, the first pamphlet was titled “The Joys of the Vegan” another reads “Home Remedies For The Hypochondriac. Yet another one says “Abortion it’s never too Late” then suddenly the door opens and I see what looks like a Doctor. He says “666?” I say no “gmony714? he turns and says “follow me” I go through the door and enter a hallway with flickering florescent lights “very creepy”.

We go through a door that says Pre-Diagnostic room. I walk in and it’s freezing. He says “please take your clothes off.” After he stares at me in the middle of the room stark naked and shivering, he says put your clothes back on and follow me. I’m thinking this has to be the strangest hospital I’ve ever been in. I’m starting to worry. So I follow this guy down the hallway and we get to the next door that reads Diagnostic Room, we enter.

Finally I see someone that looks like a Doctor. He looks at me and says “I looked at your file and I must say there are some life changes you must adhere to.” I say “what do you mean, is it serious?” He says “yes it seems your tests show an enormous amount of toxins in your body.” I say “but I just have a stomach ache” He says “yes I’ve heard that before now please take your pants off.” I start to take my pants off and he says “stop” he looks at the other guy and says I can’t treat 666? send him to Doctor Evans.
I say to the other man “whats wrong” he says “this Doctor does not treat meat eaters.

At this point I would become a eunuch if they would just treat me. We walk further down the hall, its like that matrix scene getting longer and longer. We finally get to Doctor Evans office. When we enter he says “ah the meat eater.” I notice he is sitting at a very large desk piled with papers, as he stands up I see a mutant with the biggest hands I have ever seen on a man. At that point I turn my head and his Diploma starts zooming towards my face spinning like adjectives in a Batman fight scene with the words UROLOGIST racing into focus. All of a sudden I feel light headed and then I blackout.

When I come to I’m laying on my stomach naked, I’m sweating and I hear the Doctor saying “yes it is just gas but we must check all meat eaters prostate glands four times a year and 666 has been busy eating lots of RED MEAT.” I look back and see this man with hands the size of baseball bats coming toward me, I’m sweating, I look forward and see a picture on the wall I recognize that face I focus on the picture and wait….. is that Hillary Clinton’s smiling face!! I scream “why is that women’s picture on the wall!!”. The Doctor moves slowly toward my gloryhole slipping gloves on those enormous hands as he stops and says “who that? That’s President Hillary Clinton.” All of a sudden I realize what has happened, the room starts spinning the Doctor gets closer and closer he stretches those Louisville slugger size fingers and screams “WELCOME TO HILLARY CARE”. I close my eyes and let out a blood curdling scream “AAAAAHHH!!!!!!!. Then Silence…..
All of a sudden I see my girlfriend looking down on me saying “what’s wrong what’s wrong”, I look at her with sweat coming down my forehead and ask her “baby who’s the President”. She says “George Bush” I let out a sigh and she says “whats wrong honey”. I put my head down and say “nothing sweetie I just had a dream.”